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Demetri Martin


American
May 25, 1973
Comedian
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.


Demetri Martin
Tags: Ever Nothing Wise
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.


Demetri Martin
Tags: You Only Friend
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I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'


Demetri Martin
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.


Demetri Martin
Tags: Said Saw Guess
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.


Demetri Martin
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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.


Demetri Martin
Tags: Great Because Us
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.


Demetri Martin
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.


Demetri Martin
Tags: Because Out Up
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.


Demetri Martin
It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.
Demetri Martin
Tags: Most Two Course
I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.
Demetri Martin
Tags: Up Love Lot
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
Demetri Martin
Tags: Dreams Me Just
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
Demetri Martin
Tags: Romantic You Like
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Demetri Martin
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.
Demetri Martin
Tags: You Get Really
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
Demetri Martin
Tags: You Like Just